Twenty Eight: 9. Holidays

I haven't celebrated the religious parts of holidays in years.

Sure, I've faked a smile with family on the holidays.

But, I haven't actually celebrated the religious traditions.

Leaving the church made me feel like I couldn't.

I'm celebrating them again this year.

Turns out you don't need the church to be religious.

Took me half a decade to get comfortable with this truth.

I'm celebrating god. I'm celebrating my faith. I'm celebrating the community I live a full life with. & I'm doing it as untraditionally as I can.

It feels amazing to be confident enough to enjoy these holiday again.

But this confidence only came with time.

The time came with another major life change with enough similarities to open my eyes more & calm down.

Leaving the church & getting more sober have a lot of similarities for me in my life.

Leaving the church saved my soul.

Then getting more sober saved my mental health.

These similarities have caused a reflection reviving my self confidence & strengthening my faith over the last year.

One of many reasons I left the church was because people, culture, & my own abuse of the intoxicating parts of religion made me a worse version of myself.

When I left the church, I lost a lot of my community. I no longer had a culture to identify with.

Growing out of something is lonely.

One of the many reason I've become more sober is because people, culture, & my own abuse of the intoxicating parts of alcohol made me a worse version of myself.

As I've added distance between myself & alcohol, I've lost a lot of friends. I've developed a distaste for the enabling bond alcoholics find in each other.

Growing out of something is lonely.

Both communities - earned through the church & being an alcoholic - are full of good & bad people.

The good at best support your growth. Even if they disagree. At worst, they just get quiet & let you do your thing.

The bad at best talk shit behind your back. You're cut you off or abandoned with little notice or grace. At worst, you're attacked with words & actions meant to reel you back in or push you further away.

The only difference I've found between the people you lose in the church & the people you lose as an alcoholic is one worships their idea of god & the other worships the feelings of alcohol.

Both idolise themselves.

Both are toxic.

Leaving the church hurt more because I was younger with less patience & empathy. I had also lived 20+ years through it.

Becoming more sober hurt less because I'm older with more patience & empathy. I've also lived less than a decade with alcohol abuse.

I thought leaving the church meant I couldn't live like god. I couldn't claim the same morals or ethics. I couldn't operate in the world with the same labels, & celebrations, & cultural identity.

I felt like as soon as I lost the mainstream protection of what spiritual community looked like, I lost access to my faith until I adopted back all the things which hurt me most.

I thought becoming more sober meant I couldn't drink at all anymore. I couldn't enjoy aspects of the lifestyle that embraces the same spaces & activities. I couldn't operate in an alcoholic world without being intoxicated myself.

I felt like as soon as I lost the mainstream protection of what drinking community looked like, I lost access to the joys of drinking until I adopted back all the things which hurt me most.

So in both of these journeys, I isolate myself.

Fear & insecurity deflate my confidence & self worth.

But as I grow up - & grow comfortable - in the freedoms leaving these things behind offers, I regain some of the things I've missed most.

Like religious holidays.

I've regained our biggest spring holiday.

This is how I'm embracing it again.

I'm giving gifts & sharing meals again.

I'm celebrating community & grace & old things dying so new things can be born, in spite of the bullshit.

Instead of acting on traditions, I’m living the motivation behind them.

A big part of me was buried when I left the church & buried when I became more sober.

But it's coming back to life this holiday season.

I hope y'all are enjoying holidays on your terms, too.

Cheers.